god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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