Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
