ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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