It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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