Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
