I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
