My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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