I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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