Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize