I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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