I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
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turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
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My boob is missing a layer of skin
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize