Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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