I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
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You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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