Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
