Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
