I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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