is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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