Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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