Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
