i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
