Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
