a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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