The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
