Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
