Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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