She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
