Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
