I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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