you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
