He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
