Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.