My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
