oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
