From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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