Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
