I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
