there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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