I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
