rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
