We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
