i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
