True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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