I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
