i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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