i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
