i was born a porn star she said
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
