she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
