she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
