oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
