I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
