But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
