Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
