my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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