8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
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I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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